how did i not notice, such a beautiful smile, such a lively expression. life dictates that true happiness never lasts, though as long as i've known happiness with you shall i be forever grateful. how was i so devoured, by the one thing that i feared most, by the times i thought i had it right. a picture can tell a thousand words and a movie a thousand tales but being gifted with an experience is a moment, cherished. how can i forget, those innocent days, those unforgettable moments. naive as children are they know the greatest gift of life, to care, to love, and to be happy, simply. how am i, enough worthy a person, or enough a soul to have deserved Your love. peace is a feeling so difficult to find in this world, yet you've helped me see, just a hint of what may be. so , my dear butterfly, if i may ask. how may i, show you how much i love you?
--------------- tbc
Tonight their fate would be tested, will be told. As they await the answer to that one special question.
"...would you be my blue butterfly?"
Monday, November 5, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Into unfading mists
22.09.12
Under all circumstances we all live life pretty much akin to strangers walking through dawn's misted roads. We never get to see more than the few immediate steps we take through the entire journey and sometimes we fall or get lost through its maze. Sometimes we meet guides and companions that help us brave the unknown, but truth be told the journey is yours, and yours alone to take.
It had only been slightly more than a month as it seemed, since he last gave a damn. His intentions were dead clear this time round and what had to be done had been done, given the circumstances, it just wasn't worth it anymore. The balance he tried too hard keep made it impossible for him to be happy, thus ties were cut, of lost times and past loves. After everything he had been through, this was the only easiest thing to do. He felt not the despair he always had, but a sense of calm as if emotions were put back into place where they belonged and would've stayed had it not been for her. Nevertheless it was a chapter unfolded and gone, though he never blamed her for anything because he knew the damage and destruction caused was all his own, not hers.
Mists cloud our view of the road ahead, the future, and thus his. Only about two weeks ago as he was taking days as they came, a good friend that went by the name of Tarvinder came online after a night out.
*bloop* his Skype chat beckoned its lord's attention. The next 5 minutes of chat would shock and surprise him to what his friends considered as panic or over-excitement, and he probably was.
"DEI!! you going on a date with lyn!!"
"Wtf?"
"I'll take that as a yes"
"Lol no it's just what it means, mind explaining that sentence you mentioned prior?"
"Haiz let me make it simple, YOU going on a DATE with HER, CAPISH?"
"You need to stop playing cupid dude -_- come clean why suddenly telling me to date her??"
"You want or not zzz"
"I don't mind la heh"
"Fuck you, good take her for tea tomorrow, settle!! Go talk to her now!! She's on whatsapp"
"She's on whatsapp? Heh...ok lol, never expected this but anyway thx bro <_<"
On that day he witnessed how unpredictable life can be, how when he least expected a person from his past could come back into his life. Maybe it is a calling, a lesson to be learnt, another experience to be shared or maybe something that would change things for his entire future. He was excited for what lay ahead, for the times he'd lost many years ago. Nevertheless, this time he was prepared, he knew how to deal with both acceptance and rejection, least he told himself that he would try.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The time came again, unexpectedly and in the most surprising way. His brother in arms (the singh obviously) gave him the tip that Lyn wanted to see him this Friday, for lunch. He had a hunch what would ensue through the evening, but he had to carry on with it, it is after all nothing he had not experienced before, he was ready albeit worried. On due date, their love for fine tea wasn't met unfortunately, Winter Warmers had moved elsewhere, so they settled for an overdose of Tony Roma's.
There it was again, those same words said in the form of words a mere 5 years ago on a torn piece of paper, this time uttered through her tense voice.
"It's uhh....", there was a pause.
"It's just really hard to put into words....", another pause.
"Uhh...sigh"
"You shouldn't have to be so tense you know, it's okay"
"Just relax and say it anyh..."
"But it really is hard to put it!~"
"....anyhow you want to, I'm quite open to anything lah, aite'?"
"I've thought about it and it was really a hard decision but I just...don't see us as anything more but just friends"
He sat in silence as she continued, unfaltering, he just listened intently. For a few minutes they took it in, then he regained his composure in a new way.
"It's okay, I guess I've gotten that before so I can sort of deal with it lah", only a smile would've sufficed.
The rest of the day was many folds easier on the both of them, chatting and spending time just as close friends would, for they were.
p.s. I wrote this many days earlier but stopped right before the line, it felt unfinished so I left it a draft. Original post date 15.09.12. Oh and also, first world problems include not knowing what to change your already awesome blog url to in case you wanted to write more privately in the future, bugger lol.
*bloop* his Skype chat beckoned its lord's attention. The next 5 minutes of chat would shock and surprise him to what his friends considered as panic or over-excitement, and he probably was.
"DEI!! you going on a date with lyn!!"
"Wtf?"
"I'll take that as a yes"
"Lol no it's just what it means, mind explaining that sentence you mentioned prior?"
"Haiz let me make it simple, YOU going on a DATE with HER, CAPISH?"
"You need to stop playing cupid dude -_- come clean why suddenly telling me to date her??"
"You want or not zzz"
"I don't mind la heh"
"Fuck you, good take her for tea tomorrow, settle!! Go talk to her now!! She's on whatsapp"
"She's on whatsapp? Heh...ok lol, never expected this but anyway thx bro <_<"
On that day he witnessed how unpredictable life can be, how when he least expected a person from his past could come back into his life. Maybe it is a calling, a lesson to be learnt, another experience to be shared or maybe something that would change things for his entire future. He was excited for what lay ahead, for the times he'd lost many years ago. Nevertheless, this time he was prepared, he knew how to deal with both acceptance and rejection, least he told himself that he would try.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The time came again, unexpectedly and in the most surprising way. His brother in arms (the singh obviously) gave him the tip that Lyn wanted to see him this Friday, for lunch. He had a hunch what would ensue through the evening, but he had to carry on with it, it is after all nothing he had not experienced before, he was ready albeit worried. On due date, their love for fine tea wasn't met unfortunately, Winter Warmers had moved elsewhere, so they settled for an overdose of Tony Roma's.
There it was again, those same words said in the form of words a mere 5 years ago on a torn piece of paper, this time uttered through her tense voice.
"It's uhh....", there was a pause.
"It's just really hard to put into words....", another pause.
"Uhh...sigh"
"You shouldn't have to be so tense you know, it's okay"
"Just relax and say it anyh..."
"But it really is hard to put it!~"
"....anyhow you want to, I'm quite open to anything lah, aite'?"
"I've thought about it and it was really a hard decision but I just...don't see us as anything more but just friends"
He sat in silence as she continued, unfaltering, he just listened intently. For a few minutes they took it in, then he regained his composure in a new way.
"It's okay, I guess I've gotten that before so I can sort of deal with it lah", only a smile would've sufficed.
The rest of the day was many folds easier on the both of them, chatting and spending time just as close friends would, for they were.
p.s. I wrote this many days earlier but stopped right before the line, it felt unfinished so I left it a draft. Original post date 15.09.12. Oh and also, first world problems include not knowing what to change your already awesome blog url to in case you wanted to write more privately in the future, bugger lol.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I'm going to start off by coming clean with a confession. I grew up fascinated by the opposite sex, yes so far that's fairly normal for guys I suppose, but with it I sort of developed a fascination for love as well. Ever since I had a girl friend (just the friend) I've had this idea that our crossroads would meet someday and we'd possibly have a lovely courtship and then ride off into the sunset, that sort of stuff, cheesy i know but hey i was 5.
So with that, my first crush was on my cousin from Singapore, she was a sweet little one and we shared a birthday too, so me being the naive kid that watched one too many Disney romance stories I caught onto the notion that we had quite a remarkable "coincidence" that would, you know, lead on to something much more in the future, hey, I was 5, albeit a lovesick 5 year old.
The problem was that we were cousins, so we were related and in my culture it's pretty much forbidden to marry a relative although I think it may have been done before, well love conquers all remember? Back then though, it didn't occur to me we had such a "rule" nor did I know what exactly marriage was besides "mum and dad are married!", so I carried on trying to woo her until we cut ties and I moved to Kuala Lumpur where daddy just started his new business and we moved into a nice little oasis in the middle of Petaling Jaya, where my crush on her totally faded away.
She wasn't the only one. While I was that naive little boy going into his teens I kept on that idea, that one day somewhere I would meet a girl and we'd share what I assumed was love. So I kept looking, I kept having little crushes here and there, at one point I even thought I was crazy being a "serial crusher" and was desperately lovesick. That went on for a while, right through Form 2, maybe Form 3 (that's Secondary 3 for you Singaporeans). I probably had around 12 or more crushes throughout Middle and High School. I was one to imagine love could be found anywhere and anytime, yes that's true, though I was probably doing one bit wrong, love comes at the right time - when you are ready.
I like to think that I'm fairly matured now, going into my early 20s, though I'd probably be considered childish by some. I like to keep a little bit of that jolly kid in me, being a strict adult is inconceivably boring.
-----------------------------
Me being the "serial crusher" all these years didn't exactly stop overnight. I met her through a close childhood buddy of mine, it is incredible how we've crossed paths since middle school and didn't know each other existed until late into high school (Form 4). I didn't see her for who she was back then, initially we were just acquaintances through my bud, but like most cliched modern romance movies I guess we grew on each other.
-----------------------------
It was on a late night drive back from KL that a friend of mine asked me whether I still liked "her" even after all I've been through. Yes, said I. Then she(friend) mentioned something that I overlooked all this while "so it's been how long? 4 years already?"
"Ya I guess, huh so long already?", I completely forgot how old we were for a moment.
Then she continued, "I don't know why ah she still don't want you even after what you've done for her lor".
To be honest, I feel that I've done so much to hurt her as much as I have done to care for her that I doubt it makes me a worthy man. I have reconciled with the fact that I may not be with her, though, I'll still cherish her name because once upon a time, she came into my life and changed me.
We've sometimes heard of that person that changes you into a man that you are to be for the rest of your life right Guys? I would certainly consider her the one that changed mine, if not my life, at least my views. So even if she doesn't really fancy me, or even if she just wants to be friends, I don't think I'd completely understand but I'd have to respect it. There are moments where I do still think on it but there usually isn't any point to linger on it anymore. The last time I kept on trying, I hurt her in my madness, something I regret doing, even more so if I did it again.
After all, she is my first love. She knows it.
-Topher
So with that, my first crush was on my cousin from Singapore, she was a sweet little one and we shared a birthday too, so me being the naive kid that watched one too many Disney romance stories I caught onto the notion that we had quite a remarkable "coincidence" that would, you know, lead on to something much more in the future, hey, I was 5, albeit a lovesick 5 year old.
The problem was that we were cousins, so we were related and in my culture it's pretty much forbidden to marry a relative although I think it may have been done before, well love conquers all remember? Back then though, it didn't occur to me we had such a "rule" nor did I know what exactly marriage was besides "mum and dad are married!", so I carried on trying to woo her until we cut ties and I moved to Kuala Lumpur where daddy just started his new business and we moved into a nice little oasis in the middle of Petaling Jaya, where my crush on her totally faded away.
She wasn't the only one. While I was that naive little boy going into his teens I kept on that idea, that one day somewhere I would meet a girl and we'd share what I assumed was love. So I kept looking, I kept having little crushes here and there, at one point I even thought I was crazy being a "serial crusher" and was desperately lovesick. That went on for a while, right through Form 2, maybe Form 3 (that's Secondary 3 for you Singaporeans). I probably had around 12 or more crushes throughout Middle and High School. I was one to imagine love could be found anywhere and anytime, yes that's true, though I was probably doing one bit wrong, love comes at the right time - when you are ready.
I like to think that I'm fairly matured now, going into my early 20s, though I'd probably be considered childish by some. I like to keep a little bit of that jolly kid in me, being a strict adult is inconceivably boring.
-----------------------------
Me being the "serial crusher" all these years didn't exactly stop overnight. I met her through a close childhood buddy of mine, it is incredible how we've crossed paths since middle school and didn't know each other existed until late into high school (Form 4). I didn't see her for who she was back then, initially we were just acquaintances through my bud, but like most cliched modern romance movies I guess we grew on each other.
-----------------------------
It was on a late night drive back from KL that a friend of mine asked me whether I still liked "her" even after all I've been through. Yes, said I. Then she(friend) mentioned something that I overlooked all this while "so it's been how long? 4 years already?"
"Ya I guess, huh so long already?", I completely forgot how old we were for a moment.
Then she continued, "I don't know why ah she still don't want you even after what you've done for her lor".
To be honest, I feel that I've done so much to hurt her as much as I have done to care for her that I doubt it makes me a worthy man. I have reconciled with the fact that I may not be with her, though, I'll still cherish her name because once upon a time, she came into my life and changed me.
We've sometimes heard of that person that changes you into a man that you are to be for the rest of your life right Guys? I would certainly consider her the one that changed mine, if not my life, at least my views. So even if she doesn't really fancy me, or even if she just wants to be friends, I don't think I'd completely understand but I'd have to respect it. There are moments where I do still think on it but there usually isn't any point to linger on it anymore. The last time I kept on trying, I hurt her in my madness, something I regret doing, even more so if I did it again.
After all, she is my first love. She knows it.
-Topher
Monday, July 16, 2012
Alright, it's obviously been a while since the last time i visited (no kidding), and i'm not going to post stuff about normalcy and how boring my routine is. Going to post some stories here at least, I have some fic that's partly done, still have to sort out some kinks in the story. I sort of envy how some people can really post interesting stuff up on their blog because they do something new every once in a while. Should probably make that habit - do something new every once in a while. lol.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
14.1.12
Learn to be brave, to respect, to be a man, not a boy, to love and be loved. Just merely a few of the words of valor he repeats in his mind to attain that single personal goal, to be a better person. Though at times he finds it quite hard for himself to honor or follow by. To becoming a better person have many tried and achieved, it just wasn't his turn just yet. He wonders where he strayed, how or who to blame for his ineptness.
The new year approached and was ushered in, people think to themselves a better world, a better life, a better job, a better romance and hope, a great deal of hope. He saw it and he had hoped as well, the only task ahead was to achieve or wait for luck to bestow its generosity.
"What makes some people so happy anyway? Why can't I have the same luck, the same respect, the same friendships and the kind of love in my life that others have? What's my flaw? Is it that I haven't found myself?"
Bugger, haven't manage to come up with anything to add on atm. Onto the next post =)
Bugger, haven't manage to come up with anything to add on atm. Onto the next post =)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Twilight Insomniac
22.12.11
Very little had gone well the last few days, weeks, maybe months. He dreads the day he made those choices, those that brought him onto this path of uncertainty, confusion and dissatisfaction. But what's done is done as they always say, now he has but no choice to move on. Time rarely waits for anyone, those it does are few and probably the gifted rich. Tonight something happened that gave him an idea, one that would give him a sense of insight and maybe a chance to look back at his life once the present's past. Under the twilight of a dimmed silver desk lamp, here begins the story of this boy, his struggles and triumphs for the watchers to view whole.
Deep within the recesses of his mind, thoughts would keep mingling with what he'd feel within him. Chances have been missed and opportunities wasted while down this chosen path. Would the next choice he made be the right one? What path will those chosen build? These are merely some of his mind. As he questions even the choices he makes in the present, his visions quaver, uncertainty seeps into every crease of thought, every pint of emotion. What does it take to finally make things right?
Seemingly close to the end of the first leg of this road, a streak of endeavors have brought him down to a weakly mindless shell. Too worthless to be worth a damn. Most times he wished there would be a day akin to those beneath the veil of carelessness, any one moment that he could breathe again and dream for better days. There was a time when battles were fought over little things and forgotten at the new dawn, times when friends were made over trusted tides and not on the basis of merely surviving through tougher days. Maybe hope itself had been blown out, his sanity merely hanging on the will to become someone out of this, to be stronger.
"Hey what time is it?"
"Erm...now, one thirty."
"Think we can finish it on time?"
"Shouldn't be a problem I guess, just keep copying hahaha."
"If only it were that easy. It's bad enough that we're copying for this. Try to improvise so it isn't obvious."
"Yeah I am, let's hope this works for now. I'll be more worried about the coming finals. Not good from the looks of this sheet."
Down the sheltered walkway what sounded like church bells chimed, it was exactly 4pm. He managed to finish in time but only just. If only he had started earlier and got more things done, as is always the case. That was his last assignment for the semester and he felt a lot less bothered with only the lingering reminder of how close his finals were nagging at the back of his mind. Now he had to head back, there were still plans for what remained of the day. This was his routine, trying to fill every nick of time with something or someone. He doesn't really know why he does it, but he sure hell doesn't want to be at home, without a task at hand.
"Hello!! Dude it's been so long since we went out!"
"Yep and you never replied my texts. Been busy I see."
"Ugh...sort of, probably had no signal in Kampar. Sorry."
"Nah it's fine, let's head out, pick up Montri then to....Sunway yes?"
"Sunway! Yeah."
It was times like these that brought him relief, being with those he cared about and where he felt he belong.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Mrs. Jasmine Lim!
Finally have my week cleared up with this final event. Billy and Jasmine's wedding! (yay)
Quite unfortunate that I couldn't attend their wedding ceremony, first off because I don't have my own pair of formal attire, and then because of some damsel in distress, Sylvia, that I really shouldn't get too close to. Anyways I really would've loved to attend a christian wedding for once. Good that I managed to get to her wedding dinner, and also a new addition to my mediocre collection of books while waiting for it to start. It was a rather cool night, despite being quite out of place because of the lack of acquaintances.
I met a Jason that painted a very very, very bleak picture of mechanical/civil engineering in the first few years of being in the industry and stuff. Adding to it that Chi Wei, now working in Singapore doing auditing earns RM 11,280 per month. What the crap? It is probably good to look at the potential jobs and pay I could get from a certain course, but it's so damn late into the Nott application now that I might as well just let it be, then probably reconsider it again in a few more months to see if I should switch disciplines.
That aside, the food was great, company was fine but still left me feeling a little lonely because of the different crowd. Too bad we only got a short chat with Jasmine before she had to leave, bride and groom must have been tired anyways. I should have said so much more, but only managed a "Yay! Congrats!" in the chaos of people leaving, wanting to take pics with them and clearing up the tables and stuff.
Have a happy life together guys! Lets see when little billies and jasmines start popping out hehe.
Well Sylvia on the other hand, had me busy in the afternoon, helping her look for her lost pen drive which held some important work. Why do people not make backups of their "important" data? Tough luck since the pen drive didn't come forth, she had to start her assignments all over (padan muka)...(remind self not to lose pen drive and to constantly make backups of important stuff)
She's also been getting rather close to me because of it, too close. I might have known her for at least a year already but going out, then losing your pen drive and then suddenly calling me every few hours because you're sad and need my help/to talk to, is just, odd. Not to mention having all of that happen within 3 days, it is just plain scary (i honestly can't find a way to put it). Apparently she's quite used to being like that to everyone so I guess I'll let it pass, so long as she doesn't get any closer than just friends.
Now to start figuring out what to pack, half my work's done for me since I barely unpacked my suitcase from that stint in Sydney. Just some tweaks here and there and my wardrobe should be set. Then there's the bed and toiletries. Probably going on the 22nd to move some stuff over first or maybe move in for good. It's a 1 hour drive to Semenyih, but hell does it beat a 7 hour flight to Sydney, so I'm not that much worried about stuff to bring. Having a car is awesome.
Quite unfortunate that I couldn't attend their wedding ceremony, first off because I don't have my own pair of formal attire, and then because of some damsel in distress, Sylvia, that I really shouldn't get too close to. Anyways I really would've loved to attend a christian wedding for once. Good that I managed to get to her wedding dinner, and also a new addition to my mediocre collection of books while waiting for it to start. It was a rather cool night, despite being quite out of place because of the lack of acquaintances.
I met a Jason that painted a very very, very bleak picture of mechanical/civil engineering in the first few years of being in the industry and stuff. Adding to it that Chi Wei, now working in Singapore doing auditing earns RM 11,280 per month. What the crap? It is probably good to look at the potential jobs and pay I could get from a certain course, but it's so damn late into the Nott application now that I might as well just let it be, then probably reconsider it again in a few more months to see if I should switch disciplines.
That aside, the food was great, company was fine but still left me feeling a little lonely because of the different crowd. Too bad we only got a short chat with Jasmine before she had to leave, bride and groom must have been tired anyways. I should have said so much more, but only managed a "Yay! Congrats!" in the chaos of people leaving, wanting to take pics with them and clearing up the tables and stuff.
Have a happy life together guys! Lets see when little billies and jasmines start popping out hehe.
Well Sylvia on the other hand, had me busy in the afternoon, helping her look for her lost pen drive which held some important work. Why do people not make backups of their "important" data? Tough luck since the pen drive didn't come forth, she had to start her assignments all over (padan muka)...(remind self not to lose pen drive and to constantly make backups of important stuff)
She's also been getting rather close to me because of it, too close. I might have known her for at least a year already but going out, then losing your pen drive and then suddenly calling me every few hours because you're sad and need my help/to talk to, is just, odd. Not to mention having all of that happen within 3 days, it is just plain scary (i honestly can't find a way to put it). Apparently she's quite used to being like that to everyone so I guess I'll let it pass, so long as she doesn't get any closer than just friends.
Now to start figuring out what to pack, half my work's done for me since I barely unpacked my suitcase from that stint in Sydney. Just some tweaks here and there and my wardrobe should be set. Then there's the bed and toiletries. Probably going on the 22nd to move some stuff over first or maybe move in for good. It's a 1 hour drive to Semenyih, but hell does it beat a 7 hour flight to Sydney, so I'm not that much worried about stuff to bring. Having a car is awesome.
Topher.
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