I'm going to start off by coming clean with a confession. I grew up fascinated by the opposite sex, yes so far that's fairly normal for guys I suppose, but with it I sort of developed a fascination for love as well. Ever since I had a girl friend (just the friend) I've had this idea that our crossroads would meet someday and we'd possibly have a lovely courtship and then ride off into the sunset, that sort of stuff, cheesy i know but hey i was 5.

So with that, my first crush was on my cousin from Singapore, she was a sweet little one and we shared a birthday too, so me being the naive kid that watched one too many Disney romance stories I caught onto the notion that we had quite a remarkable "coincidence" that would, you know, lead on to something much more in the future, hey, I was 5, albeit a lovesick 5 year old.


The problem was that we were cousins, so we were related and in my culture it's pretty much forbidden to marry a relative although I think it may have been done before, well love conquers all remember? Back then though, it didn't occur to me we had such a "rule" nor did I know what exactly marriage was besides "mum and dad are married!", so I carried on trying to woo her until we cut ties and I moved to Kuala Lumpur where daddy just started his new business and we moved into a nice little oasis in the middle of Petaling Jaya, where my crush on her totally faded away.


She wasn't the only one. While I was that naive little boy going into his teens I kept on that idea, that one day somewhere I would meet a girl and we'd share what I assumed was love. So I kept looking, I kept having little crushes here and there, at one point I even thought I was crazy being a "serial crusher" and was desperately lovesick. That went on for a while, right through Form 2, maybe Form 3 (that's Secondary 3 for you Singaporeans). I probably had around 12 or more crushes throughout Middle and High School. I was one to imagine love could be found anywhere and anytime, yes that's true, though I was probably doing one bit wrong, love comes at the right time - when you are ready.


I like to think that I'm fairly matured now, going into my early 20s, though I'd probably be considered childish by some. I like to keep a little bit of that jolly kid in me, being a strict adult is inconceivably boring. 


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Me being the "serial crusher" all these years didn't exactly stop overnight. I met her through a close childhood buddy of mine, it is incredible how we've crossed paths since middle school and didn't know each other existed until late into high school (Form 4). I didn't see her for who she was back then, initially we were just acquaintances through my bud, but like most cliched modern romance movies I guess we grew on each other.


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It was on a late night drive back from KL that a friend of mine asked me whether I still liked "her" even after all I've been through. Yes, said I. Then she(friend) mentioned something that I overlooked all this while "so it's been how long? 4 years already?"


"Ya I guess, huh so long already?", I completely forgot how old we were for a moment.

Then she continued, "I don't know why ah she still don't want you even after what you've done for her lor".


To be honest, I feel that I've done so much to hurt her as much as I have done to care for her that I doubt it makes me a worthy man. I have reconciled with the fact that I may not be with her, though, I'll still cherish her name because once upon a time, she came into my life and changed me.


We've sometimes heard of that person that changes you into a man that you are to be for the rest of your life right Guys? I would certainly consider her the one that changed mine, if not my life, at least my views. So even if she doesn't really fancy me, or even if she just wants to be friends, I don't think I'd completely understand but I'd have to respect it. There are moments where I do still think on it but there usually isn't any point to linger on it anymore. The last time I kept on trying, I hurt her in my madness, something I regret doing, even more so if I did it again.

After all, she is my first love. She knows it.


-Topher

Alright, it's obviously been a while since the last time i visited (no kidding), and i'm not going to post stuff about normalcy and how boring my routine is. Going to post some stories here at least, I have some fic that's partly done, still have to sort out some kinks in the story. I sort of envy how some people can really post interesting stuff up on their blog because they do something new every once in a while. Should probably make that habit - do something new every once in a while. lol.